As I was standing in the bathroom last night staring off into space I realized that I what I was feeling was a profound sense of despair. It was the feeling that there was no hope, nothing worth knowing, that life was just a pit of black. I startled myself out of the daze and realized something was terribly wrong.
I go to a pdoc for anxiety issues. When I had the first round of strokes they caused some anxiety that has gotten better, but it is still there. I take an anxiety med at night that helps me sleep, as that is when my anxiety is in overdrive. I also have OCD, but I've never been able to successfully treat it with medication so I have learned to live with it. Oddly, it seems better since the strokes.
My pdoc always wants me to try mood stabilizers to address the anxiety and OCD. We know that I generally can't take any drugs that have to do with brain chemistry as I almost always have a severe reaction to them. I am part of the 3.7% of people who become suicidal on prozac. But this doctor keeps pushing them, about every other visit. I finally relented last week and started taking Trileptal, a seizure medication and mood stabilizer. He also prescribed Adderall which he thought would counteract all of the bad effects I may experience. Apparently not.
As with prozac, the Trileptal was a bad, bad idea. I am lucky I had the presence of mind to realize something was very wrong and it was not my normal state of being. We all go through bouts of despair and hopelessness, but this was like nothing I've ever experienced. I never want to go back there. So, I wasn't surprised to find out that the FDA just released a warning about eleven seizure meds, Trileptal included. They found that these meds make people two times as likely to have suicidal behaviors.
I'm still pretty dazed and not myself, but the hopelessness has abated somewhat. All I want to do is lie in bed and pet my Pearlykins, but I am forcing myself to at least sit up. I'm proud of myself for not canceling classes today, though I really, really wanted to. Beyond that, I think I can give myself some down time. It's hard to believe I went from reasonably happy to utter despair in three days.
If you or someone in your family is taking on of those drugs, please be sure to monitor them. As I have stated, I am the extreme minority, but the problem is big enough to alert the FDA. Just be careful.
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Monday, February 25, 2008
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8 blah blah blahs:
I'm so sorry you're feeling low. :-(
I'm with you on the meds thing. Big Kid has been through so many---took a year to find the right combo this time.
Wish there was a one-sized-fits all med that worked for everybody.
Better yet...I want a magic wand. Hmph
Thanks, boo boo. I guess I'm lucky that I don't actually need these meds. This is one of those cases of listening to someone because he's a doctor and he says so. I know better!
I really hope you didn't just call me "boo boo". snerf
Oh, yes I did! That's my general term of endearment. I started using it when I started not being able to remember people's names.
Ask about Seroquel, a potent anti-anxiolytic (actually an "atypical anti-psychotic", but what's in a name. It's very relaxing, helps you sleep, and is very mild on side effects. I've used in for four years without incident.
Seroquel knocked me out for three days. I really can't take those meds at all. Luckily, I don't need them, either.
I know how you feel L. This time of year I battle despair on at least a bi-weekly basis. Along with treatment-resistant depression, Season Affective Disorder is not a good time. I swear we've only had about 5 truly sunny days since Xmas. Today started out sunny only to turn into snow.
As you know, I'm on a boatload of meds. Drugs have a habit of suddenly stopping working for me. Finding and maintaining the right drug cocktail is a struggle.
This new Neurontin warning doesn't surprise me at all. People like us with illnesses that are difficult to treat can either completely give in to suffering or try new meds as they become available. With the rubber stamp FDA we now have, drugs hit the market with limited testing, lowered scrutiny and no history of long term use by a statistically significant patient sample.
I'm very concerned about the various drugs I take both singly and in combination. This is especially true of the newer ones like Provigil, Cymbalta and Neurontin. Having been assured by my doctors that my drug cocktail is unique, I feel less special and more lab rat-like.
It's a risk I'm willing to take. Before these drugs I spent the better part of two years lying in bed staring at the ceiling too fatigued and in too much pain to do much else. I now have some semblance of a life.
Having said that, I'm looking forward to trading in the 3000mg of Neurontin I take daily for Lyrica.
-AF
I thought about you more than anything when I was going through that, AF. I have a renewed appreciation for what you and people with depression go through. I honestly don't know if I would survive it as well. When will you start Lyrica?
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